Enlightenment Blues by Andre van der Braak

Author:Andre van der Braak [Braak, Andre Van Der]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Monkfish Book Publishing
Published: 2016-10-18T00:00:00+00:00

5.2. In Love

When Gina had left the community in January 1990, I hardly had time to dwell on it, busy as I was with my glorious book project. But when I had fallen into my own downward spiral a few months later and found myself in the garden house in Mill Valley with ample time for reflection, I had to think again about Gina. I’d been so distant and superior with her, so cold and insensitive, an ambitious social climber. Of course she’d been in love with me and she’d been unable to admit that. I could have helped her if I wouldn’t have been so concerned with what the others thought of me. I could have been honest about my own feelings, whether they benefited me socially or not. I felt I had let Gina down. I wrote her a letter explaining this to her. She wrote me a grateful and relieved letter back and also wrote that she wanted to come back into the Sangha. She had gone to the Bodh Gaya retreat in January 1991, and reconnected with Andrew so strongly that he invited her to come back to Marin. In the spring of 1991, Gina came back into the Sangha, at the time when I was still out in the doghouse. During 1991 and 1992, our positions reversed. Gina was a respected community member, and I was struggling in the lower regions of the community. After my battles in Katmandu, I had slowly made my way back up. By now, in January 1993, we both belonged to the higher strata in the Sangha. Would it now be possible…?

I take my time. I speak about it with my roommates. I have coffee with Gina a few times. Neither of us speaks about the past, but of course it hangs like a cloud over our heads. In April, I take the leap. I write a letter to Andrew about my intention to ask Gina to be in a relationship with me. What does he think? Unfortunately Andrew has just gone to Boulder for three weeks, so I have to wait until he’s back before I can speak with him. Gina is also in Boulder to help with setup, so at least I don’t have to suffer through trying to act normal with her while being utterly nervous inside.

When Andrew comes back from Boulder I speak with him in a little room behind the satsang hall. He tells me that he has no objections. Excited I walk out of the room. Now things are getting real. I drive home and I can’t wait any longer. I call Gina. “Would you like to go for coffee tomorrow?” I ask casually. Of course the casual effect is somewhat lessened by the fact that it’s one-thirty in the morning … “Yes, all right,” Gina says, apparently not surprised by the proposal. The next day we meet for coffee, and I pop the big question. She is surprised. She didn’t expect I’d be so straightforward about it.

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